Monday, November 30, 2009

FR 30 Hope and Despair. The dream lives on!

Jersey travels- You guys were probably wandering why I suddenly dissapeared again. I went to visit my family in NJ. I had time to reflect over somethings, but while I was there, There was only a sargable 3set. My town is small and everyone is dead inside. they all saw me as their one hope, and magic bullet. this put tremendous preassure on me even though I kept telling my self I was doing this for my self. I blew the 3set, and all my other social interactions were with people from my past such as ex highschool students. I found most of the guys, and girls that used to hate me. the guys changed tremendously and apologised for all they did to me in the past. most of the girls kept staring at me(I think they were impressed by the new me) but they didn't talk to me. few of them were bitches like they always have been. I chatted with the guys, and for some reason I was no longer my usual self. once again I was afraid of fucking up, and the one girl I talked to(also from highschool) told me she was single without me even asking. But I was so afraid of fucking up that I just said "look shes cute and single, which means you guys can hit on her(implying my friends)" she laughed and thanked me. I know she gave the hint but it seemed that I had reverted back to my introverted self again for the time there. It was such a fucked up feeling.

My 1st night in DC- I came back to DC and was in no mood for sarging. I went out with the Suicide crew but I was acting so weird I couldn't even explain to my self what was going on. I guess it's this time of the year, and I'm still alone. Also I sometimes get frustrated when I see all these drunk women, and people who carry a lifestyle thats opposite to what I want. I'm aware that this is part of the process and the bigger picture, but sometimes it throws me off alittlebit.

Despair- As soon as I arrived to Lucky bar, Live forever all ready had missions for me. I was feeling scared, but more than scared, I was feeling this emptiness and dissapointment, as I watched all these people with low moral values, and standards, while at the same time I was feeling this thing I can't explain as I saw other beautiful couples, and I couldn't shake it off. With the help of the suicide crew I forced my self to approach and attempt the spin maneuver as directed by Live forever(Live forever is my kino/Voice projection coach) My state was so far off, and my attitude so negative that I was getting shut down left and right.

Hope- The crew split up, and Southern style and I met with kim. There were sets, and the night was alive but I was totally gone, and although my body was there, there was no way for anyone to bring me back. Southern style pulled me to the side and talked to me. Suddenly after a complete state break, Live forever shows up out of nowhere, grabs my arm and takes me to a 3 set. It was then that I remembered the reason why I even joined the comunity, and to refresh the dreams in my head.

Spinning the night away- although Live forever showed an amazing display of game, by spinning like 15 chicks, and creating some massive attraction, and kino. I still couldn't do it successfully. I attemped the spin with the 3 set he pointed out, but my state was horrible, and I got shut down. Then he picked another girl. she opened.(I was glad I was able to even hook something with this fucked up state) I spun her, and danced her around, and did different dance moves. then I put her on my arms and kissed her. I spun her some more, and her friend cockblocked me. It was my 1st hooked set for the night. The night was almost over, and Live forever commanded that I do at least 1 more spin to call it a night. I did, and it hooked. After talking to her and building rapport, she turned out to be a psycho, so I ejected.

The dream lives on- Although I couldn't recover my state that whole night, I was able to remember my life long dreams, and what I set out to do. While in the car, I could still taste the grape flavor lip gloss from that girl's mouth, I was also watching Live forever, as he cheered me on, and was genuinely interested in my success. I was also remembering Southern style's words. Pondering all this over my head was all the proof I needed to know that I will achieve my dreams. Btw guys, I hate writting all this emo shit, It would be easier for me to just writte facts, and leave all this out, but I feel it necesary to be 100% honest and open about my struggles, in order for me to keep a record, and truly learn from my field experiences. I also want this to be a guide to the newbies when I get really good. thank you guys for your support

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