FRs 37-45 Internalization!

Btw this is an estimate of frs I didn't post here. This was by far the weirdest plateau I've gone through because it felt like I was progressing and regressing at the same time. The whole month of December started with dissaster, and it got worse.

Regression- Suddenly everything I believed I had all ready overcomed, had vanished before me. Keep in mind my social fear was pretty close to none existant, I was all ready getting makeouts, and my sets were finally hooking. Suddenly I start getting consistent blow outs, I become introverted again, and my AA shoots to the sky! Back to square 1, while at the same time I have a group to lead. Its almost as if that hero the crew saw in me was replaced by a chode. Like a dream I suddenly wake up from!

The drift- Live forever strives to keep the flame alive! I chode and he has a hard time training me. Everything I've been preaching about life for years is being challenged. Persevearance, will power, faith, etc. Become more of a challenge each day. But as I look around me, everyone seems to be in the same situation. The Suicide crew begins to drift appart. We decide to put the crew on hold for the whole month. We go our separate ways, and sarge how ever we can when ever we can with no specific goals.

Battle preparation- Going out gets harder and harder, but at the same time, something strange starts happening within me. My outter game gets worse and worse while my feelings seem to slightly change every night I go out. It's very hard to explain but I start noticing little things that I didn't seem to notice before. My attitude begins to change. What ever it is, its preparing me for whats about to come

Facing my past- Its time to go back to Jersey for a long period.
This is a long and very complex story but basically, In my Jersey stay, everything that has hunted me in the past, comes back to test me in every way possible. But there's 1 particular test that keeps coming at different stages of my life, and it comes back again! I pass many tests that I had previously failed, but I still fail the main one. How ever this time, I got closer to passing it than ever. I get depressed in Jersey, and extremely moody. I have no clue whats happening within me. I begin to attack everyone around me including my family. As much of an asshole that I'm being, people still seem to flock to me, and give a respect I've never gotten before. Everyone starts making plans around me. people everywhere treat me like a celebrity. the same people that have been dickheads to me in the past! at first I think its only because They havent seen me in a while, but as I speak to them, I notice they all see me as their hope. To this day I still have no clue why.

Internalization- The Jersey travel was full of emotional instability but I later realized it was due to the fact that my field time has truly helped me form my identity, which is why things that didn't seem to matter before, this time, they did. I come back to DC and the crew is back in action. I'm very nervous about my first field experience back in DC. But as I see women walking, I start noticing huge change in me. Every set begins to hook, and things start going really well once again, but this time around, its very different from the past aparent improvements. I suddenly start understanding women better. I have no idea what it is but there seems to be a very strange power within me. everything sworta begins to really make sense, and all tha instability vanishes.
After much analyzing, I noticed I had internalized many things but the main thing that changed right before my eyes was my belief system. I had such a negative belief system, and out of the blue it vanished. And this new belief system serves me well now.